Tough Love: You’re Not an Instagram Influencer

I’m back and I’m annoyed. A new year and decade have futsal shuffled into our lives and people are doing the gosh darn most online.

It would be personally detrimental for a buzzword like “influencer” to become overused and diluted, only to join the likes of “clout”, “swag”, “lit”, “sonically”, and “curate” in the uncool vocabulary graveyard. Let’s get into what is and what is not.

Influencer (n): An online persona that through dedicated content creation (and a humble dash of narcissism), has established credibility that is able to persuade others by the reliability of their authenticity.

An influencer is not someone who decided to kick the decade off pretending to be an expert in selling goofy ass weight loss keto coffee online.

I miss when people didn’t feel like they had to be vulnerable online. When annoyingly oversharing your personal life wasn’t considered brave, the Internet felt less like a group council session and more like an art gallery you didn’t have to be quiet in. I miss when Instagram was more like a ‘Greatest Hits’ album and less like the nonessential, poignant B-Sides so often offered via ephemeral exposé. Basically, I’m saying it’s way more popping to be depressed on Twitter than Instagram, but that’s beside the point.

Why do people try to make their followers read on an app meant for pictures? The “a picture is worth 1,000 words” sentiment wasn’t something that was meant to be tested, yet people with no feel do it every day.
The best Instagram posts are great photos with captions that are a maximum of two sentences if punctuation calls for it. Content creation on Instagram is as simple as ABC. Architecture. Butts. Creatures/Creations. It’s hard to go wrong if you follow this formula with a clever (more importantly, short) caption.
When people have multi-paragraph captions, I read until the “more…” and then I play a word game where I base the context of the post by the first random three words I see after that. This method not only saves time and is more entertaining, but it’s approximately equally as off-based as the actual caption is to the strikingly obvious, fake, candid picture. I could gather they are thankful for their loved ones or they remodeled their bathroom vanity or they wrote a terrorist manifesto. I’ll never know for sure.

Moving on.

It’s normal and encouraged to taste new things in life or even pivot careers and life goals. Just please, for the love of God (or your personal choice to have an absence thereof [it’s 2020 baby I’m trying to be more inclusive]), don’t over-niche your persona every time you want to try something new and post about it online. You don’t need to be @PeakedinHighSchool_fit when you can be @PeakedinHighSchool, my guy. People are going to be able to tell it’s a fitness account by the abusively redundant content, I promise. No need to unnecessarily box yourself in.


If we could all collectively agree that it’s never needed to announce that you’re taking a break from being online, that would really brighten up the internet experience. You don’t need to announce you’re “taking a detox from social media”, whatever the fuck that means; we know you still have your phone on you. And, you most certainly do not need to let us know when you’re returning from your break like you’re a convenience store or a Lens Crafters. Nothing screams “I would like attention!” when you come back 12 hours later and post more stories before that first away message post has a chance to expire.

I’m out, though. Let’s all try to think less about what time we should post our pics for maximum attention and focus more on maximizing the moments that made you want to share your photo, to begin with.

Be great, stay safe.

P.S. The worst type of aspiring influencer chicks don’t want to work they just want to cry about their hard day and post selfies and holistic medicine tips on their IG stories‬. It’s like a new age of stay-at-home moms only instead of a child, they’re raising an iPhone.

• I’m back on my bullshit.
• Try not to make it a thing to be sad on Instagram, it was way cooler when people only shared the highlights. Twitter is the place to be sad for attention online.
• Don’t post away messages on Instagram stories, this isn’t AOL Instant Messenger, you twat.
• Folks don’t understand the value of digital real estate in having your real name username.

Author: SG

Founder of Cultivated Influence.

2 thoughts

  1. I can dig it, sir. I also believe there is a distinction that needs to be made from attention seeking whores and depressed millennials who kill it yet seemingly can barely make ends meet.

    While I also dislike what social media has turned into, I also understand people are not happy and depressed at their current circumstances and turning to any outlet that will listen. I can respect that, ya dig?

    I’m out. We need to catch up soon. Great article, sir.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s