No One Cares About Your Horoscope (A Tough Love Joint)


I found this half-written post in my Notes app from 2013 that has been collecting dust like that ring finger you’ve been making 11:11 wishes on since the second Obama inauguration. After muting every zodiac sign from my Twitter feed back then, I remember setting this piece to the side, thinking, “Nah, this won’t be a relevant topic in a year. Surely, the close friends and loved ones I’ve curated to receive daily content from won’t be up to no good like this much longer.” Yet, here we are, THREE WHOLE iPhones later and I’m still having to mute zodiac signs. My thumbs are tired of this shit. Word to Ted Cruz, this is a Zodiac killing spree.

Since you horoscope readers love to accept the wide-casted nets of personality traits and generalizations, it’s only fair to be just as general in personally casting a wide range of insults and low-blows at you star-gazing, connect-the-dotting, tea leaf, Miss Cleo-patra comin’ atcha horoscope reading weirdos. You ‘Fault in Our Stars’ head ass broads are a cancer to my timeline.


People of a certain zodiac sign get assigned certain characteristics and they’re all so general, of course some are going to apply. All humans have similar characteristics, of course there are going to be similarities, but to think it’s plausible that you and every individual born near your birthdate are somehow going to experience the same futures is absurd. Horoscopes are like getting feelings for a bartender; they’re not just for you, they’re for everybody. I don’t believe for one second that people born around my birthday are more like me than any other person, and if you do, you should steer clear of anyone born on Hitler’s birthday, dweeb.

I researched some zodiac signs before writing to be sure I’m righteously shitting on the subject (I am), and it comes to find out that each zodiac sign has a most and least compatible sign. LOL… So you’re a Scorpio and you’ve been getting curved from a relationship by your Leo lover for 15 straight full moons, but you think it has something to do with the constellations? There is one thing of significance impacting your life that you can look up and see, it’s commonly referred to as ‘the jig.’ Get it? Up there is the jig… the jig is up. Thinking some arrangement of unreachable gassy masses impacts interconnection between another terrestrial is a reflection of real regression in your nut ass noggin.

Writing horoscopes is not difficult, my pals. Watch. “The esoteric essence you possess in your field of expertise will lead you to a new, lasting friendship if your heart is open to… More for Sagitshutthefuckup.” The only thing of value in horoscope reading is the literary finesse the author’s use to tantalize your birdbrain into thinking you’re going to come into a large lump sum of cash without working for it because Page 12 of the newspaper said so.

I’m out, though. Be great, stay safe, quit letting people tell you how you should think or feel.


P.S. I was trying to fit in a clever ‘horoscope/how whores cope’ rhyme into this piece, but it just wasn’t in the stars.

Author: SG

Founder of Cultivated Influence.

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