Don’t Vape Me, Bro (A Tough Love Joint)

Much like federal tax reform, this shit is long overdue. I’ve let vapor pen gremlins grind my gears long enough! Consider this my long-form declaration of disdain of seeing dudes in bars using e-cigarettes.

Picture a pleasant, young evening. You’re surrounded by good energy and the finest spirits an establishment that you and your best friends have decided to patron can provide. You share a deep laugh over an old, inside joke that gains new life each time it’s brought up; life is good. Out of the corner of your eye, a peculiar, elongated gizmo has been lifted from a bar patron’s pocket to their lips. A neon light shines from the aforementioned doodad. Seconds go by that feel like minutes; everything is slow-motion. The patron blinks in a smug way that kind of pisses you off, though they are completely unaware that you are now fully focused on them and their bizarre thingamajig. Suddenly, you see it and all of its horror: vapor incessantly cascading through their unreasonable nostrils with a ferocity of a narcissistic volcano that “literally couldn’t even” wait to go outside to fulfill their impuissant nicotine addiction. You, dear reader, have just witnessed a vape.

I feel like I’m a pretty reasonable fellow. You know? I tolerate quite I bit. However, I’d rather pass someone the auxiliary cord and allow them to play “now watch me whip, now watch me nae nae” 300 times consecutively if it banned dickheads from temporarily making me think there is a fire with their horse shit vape haze casted in my general region.

I would rather eat “War and Peace” page by page with a salad fork than be surrounded by vapor pens and the overcast of chagrin they conjure.

Dudes in bars with vapor pens are the real life versions of girls who Snapchat their cats literally doing nothing for more than 10 seconds. In other words, annoying as shit.

I mean, I do get that it’s “supposed” to be healthier than smoking actual cigarettes. Good for you, wow! I appreciate not having to inhale those toxins, but I feel like the way my blood pressure rises when I see a vape cloud wafting towards me in a bar is more of a health concern than secondhand smoke. It looks like you’re emitting a germy chemtrail onto the general public.

Only a few short steps behind vape pen users on my bar etiquette shit list are people who discuss proper Crossfit forms while poisoning their livers for pleasure.

I imagine Hell being a bar with shitty service, overpriced drinks and nauseating music that serves watered down well vodka-something’s…and you have to sit between one guy that, while having a persistent, congested cough, blows vapor clouds in your face, and another guy who just will not get the hint that you aren’t interested in hearing his ceaseless Crossfit keynote address about why turning your palms a different way while doing pull-ups is so worth mentioning to you in the moment, it will also save all the polar bears at the melting ice caps.

I heard inside every vapor pen hides a dementor’s soul.


You can’t spell “very plainly for peasants” without V-A-P-O-R P-E-N.

Here is the standard vape pen user’s starter pack:




No lovely ladies who lush Tito’s vodka and waters with a lime want to hold a conversation with you and your lousy lungs, exhaling a personal iCloud of vape smoke, bro.

The dudes who use vape pens in bars are also the dudes who can’t get their concealed carry license. I read somewhere that if you pull a vapor pen out in a bar, there’s a 72% chance you’re currently in a legal battle.

Actually, I don’t mind vapor pens certain times of year. Vape pens are funny during wedding season because they look a lot like the penis-shaped straws that bachelorette parties use.

I’m out, though. All I’m trying to do is drink SmartWater, get a good night’s rest and wake up one half-year of scrolls deep in a pretty lady’s Instagram page, vape free.


P.S. People who use vape pens in bars like to reply “just chillen” in texts with the “en” at the end like a Neanderthal.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

Author: SG

Founder of Cultivated Influence.

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