I’ve seen this new…style, if you will… a few times recently that I feel the need to try and get ahead of before more of you go off and look utterly birdbrained. Chicks with the thin, un-toasted flatbread lips have been seen trying to cleverly add a warning track of makeup around their smoochers to make it look like a relative of theirs marked a bubble other than “White/Caucasian” in the race section of standardized tests in school.
So, yeah, if some magazine article sold you a dream about your little lips looking luscious and you thought no one was going to give you shit about it, allow me to make fun of your makeup so much that you may cup your mouth and smear those smackers back to their default settings.
Here is the problem… People with normal, 20/20 vision can see these two different textures: lips, and your regular, dumb ass face skin. Anybody who doesn’t have their iPhone’s text font enlarged can see it looks like you added a science fair cell membrane of cosmetics to protect those puny puckers.
In what world does that not look incredibly noticeable? Those lips have a 5 o’clock shadow. And is that a Kardashian? You broads have to stop keeping up with the Kardashians. They live behind layers of Photoshop, revolutionary thirst-trapping photo angles and are probably some sort of cyborgs now with all of the surgeries.
While we’re on the subject of girls doing dumb shit with their faces, I wish you guys would cut it out with the dark ass devil lipstick colors, too. I don’t know who it was, Cosmopolitan, that friend who tells you you look great in outfits that don’t flatter you or what, but somebody has you looking crazy out here, ladies.
If you cake on that dark, 50 Shades of Stay Away lipstick, it looks like you’ve been drinking unicorn blood à la the hooded figure in the Forbidden Forest from the first Harry Potter book. It looks like you’ve been eating pomegranates and beets for a week straight.
Any lipstick in the “Plum” family looks like you might murder me for a life insurance policy… of any amount – a year’s worth of Netflix, even. (Please note that very seldom, some of you look absolutely stunning with those dark shades on, but I’m sure that’s just You-Know-Who playing tricks on ya boy.)
Let’s get back on track.
What happens if someone tries to kiss you and expects to feel opulent, lush lips and instead almost engulfs your entire mouth because the markers were off? It’d be like if you were holding a toddler that kept pulling down your low cut shirt: you’re going to be embarrassed and let them down. (Yes, I did just blow the dust off of my book of double-entendre analogies. Thanks for asking.)
The bottom line is to always just be yourself. I’m sure you have other nice qualities that someone will appreciate to go along with those two worn-down, eraser-looking lips of yours.
Alright, I’m out.
If you can’t figure it out by now that these looks are not good ones, I heard about this convention and festival called MXMR (Mouth by MouthRest). Please go there for a long time until you figure it out.
As always, be great, stay safe.
P.S. Wearing dark lipstick makes you look like you searched Pinterest for how to build a closet shrine for your Man Candy Monday.Follow @SpencerGlover
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