This is for the “It’s just another day. I’m doing me” women. For all the chicks sobbing over the non-existent box of stale chocolates they desire. You chicks just love finding shit to be depressed about, huh? Well, I thought it’d be courteous of me to bring some gasoline to your pity party and make it 100 times worse.
Hahahahaha. That’s what I’ve been doing while reading all of these hopelessly romantic, struggle posts. This really is my second favorite time of year and that’s without love having anything to do with it. So much bitterness and contempt will get showcased throughout the whole week, it’s truly social network Christmas.
There is hardly anything funnier than seeing a girl publish her angst of not having someone to spend Valentines Day with. The only thing funnier than that is a girl finding out she was the side chick. SON. Imagine the excitement leading up to the big day followed by the insecure tweets of disappointment of why “he” never called or showed up, really brings a warm feeling to me like the first day of summer.
“I don’t need anybody when I have my girls!” I swear, every year gets worse/funnier. You chicks are out here posting the loneliest shit ever in the history of ever-ness, man. You barely booked that date with Häagen-Dazs and the Lifetime Movie Network tonight.
“My son/daughter is my Valentine.” That shit sounds like an honor roll bumper sticker.
What’s up side chicks? Better luck next year, right? FYI, side chicks don’t know what chocolate covered strawberries taste like.
Looks delicious, right?
Somewhere right now there’s a chick worried sick about the dude she loves and is about to file a missing person’s report, but he’s at home, hand-feeding the real her the photo above while she soaks in a bubble bath.
You erroneous relationship having hoes get cheated on by a dude who has a wife.
Side chicks don’t know what roses smell like either. They get twitter follow backs as a gift. A DM with a smiley face in it. A paper sack thrown on their doorstep containing lukewarm Taco Bell and an unscented, lit candle.
So, YOU MAD?
I don’t see how most of you can be. You hoes go all year long being somebody’s #2 and come mid-February, you want to get emotional about it? Get the entire fuck out of here.
Oh, if you gave the WHOLE crew love, I promise not one of them takes you out to dinner tonight. Slut.
And you broads have to stop blaming everything on men for the reason why your agenda is free tonight. Sometimes, it’s you. Just because you can pick up any dude doesn’t mean you can keep one.
Oops. Let this shit be a lesson for you. There aren’t enough nice guys Peter Pan pixie dust face ass boys to watch The Vow with to go around for everyone. Some of you got dressed up tonight for no reason.
I do have an ounce of sympathy for you asymptote side chicks, though. You know, the ones that REAL close to being the one, but never quite feel the touch and warmth of happiness.
Lmaooo. That was just in case things were getting too tough for you lonely chicks.
Every year you buy yourself a box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day, it adds five years to the day you’ll get married. (Source: Huffington Post)
At this point, I assume you lonely chicks are considering lining up outside of restaurants where actual dates are taking place hoping to get hit with a stray when Cupid hops out of his chariot letting the arrows float mercilessly.
Better luck next year?
Since I care, I found this product to help you indubitably lonely women out:
With a couple spritzes of that cologne you commandeered from the last man you hooked up with, it might actually seem like someone likes to hang out with you while you’re on your period.
Shout out to the great box having chicks with the personality of a manila envelope. If you’re eating alone tonight,
which I’m sure you are hang in there for St. Patrick’s Day, beau. You’re probably awesome to “hang out” with when you’re drunk.
Not sure if you’re the one or not?
If you have all of your anytime minutes, you’re not the one, hun. Side chicks don’t get phone calls before 9pm. You’re far better off with going with just a text and data plan. Save your money for gas for those late night trips to and from his apartment.
Speaking of monetary figures, $126 is the average dollar amount spent on Valentine’s Day in America.
$126 for the same, exact box that was enjoyed the night before for free!
While you whack, cobweb box hoes are still tantalized over that last figure, let me address the people who are enjoying this day of affection and love.
If you have someone great in your life, keep them. Fuck what everyone else thinks; do what makes you happy. Getting caught up always looking to upgrade from what you have now will end up with you in the cesspool of loneliness that I’ve been torching for the last 800 words.
Will you be happy with your life ending up with the second best thing to happen to you if you lost the first?
Be safe, stay great.
P.S. February 15th is National Side Chick Subscription Day. Which one of you needs to renew?
Originally published Valentines Day, 2012. Lightly amended Valentine’s Day, 2014.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.