Tough Love: Catfish

For readers who aren’t the most hip to pop culture, most “catfish” connotations would be described as a person who fakes their identity online in order to deceptively gain the trust of another person, particularly in online romances. It originated from the 2010 documentary, Catfish: The Movie, starring Nev Schulman, now even more famous for his MTV series, Catfish: The TV Show, where he brilliantly helps young people find the truth behind their Internet love lives.

Check out the trailer below:

Now that we’re all up to speed, question: WHAT THE HELL type of person tries to portray themselves as an entirely different person? Answer: Actors. People in the clandestine field. Strippers, maybe — which they really aren’t even people, so they don’t count. And here we have you disturbed “catfish” nut job screwballs.

I feel like the reason the movie and show are called Catfish is because people who catfish others actually look like catfish in real life.

I’m not going to humiliate anyone for looking for love on the Internet today, simply because love can be found in the most hopeless of places. However, if you’re being an idiot about it, I’m shaking my head and sharpening a stick RIGHT NOW to poke at you (pause) as you read.

You might have to grow up and quit believing in coincidences so much.

ATTN: If you’re showing sentiment to someone on a social network you never met, there should be a series of safeguards set to prevent any possible prevarication slipping past you.

Catfish Checklist for Dummies

1. All Pictures, No Videos.

IF YOU’RE ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN SOMEONE YOU’VE NEVER MET ~~(lol)~~ AND YOU COMMUNICATE OFTEN, GET THEM ON A VIDEO CHAT. That is not at all too much to ask for; Adobe Photoshop is not a game. Unless they work at Pixar, it’d be rather difficult to catfish a live video feed. If they tweet via iPhone (or ANY ~~inferior~~ current smartphone device), there’s LITERALLY two cameras on that thing in which a plethora of video mediums are available at your disposal. There are no exceptions or excuses as to why a video chat couldn’t be an option at this point of your first world problems. It’s 2013, for ~~crying~~ laughing out loud; don’t be a rookie and have your time wasted on someone you’ve never met. If you dig someone who’s literally a stranger, a rule of thumb should be to make sure they’re the actual person that you dig, dig?

2. Location

Does your Internet love interest say they live in your area? Follow closely: if the person you’re pursuing isn’t forthcoming with meeting you (FOR THE FIRST TIME) after you’ve engaged in multiple exchanges and – TO YOU – everything seems to be going well… SOMETHING IS FISHY, YOU NUMSKULL. This COULD have its exceptions, since in this era not all people feel comfortable with human interaction if there isn’t a screen in their faces, but ~~honestly who would want to be with someone like that~~ more times than not, that’s a catfish.

3. Are They Out of Your League?

I say this with the utmost TLC (Tough Loving Care)… Don’t go chasing 9’s on the Internet, just stick to the 6’s and the 7’s you’re used to.

Would a person you know from your real life who looks similar to the very attractive person you found on the Internet be talking to you in the way you’re bonding with your digital beau? If not, you’re getting BAMBOOZLED, buddy. But if so, what the hell are you doing on the Internet? Finish reading this and log off IMMEDIATELY.

The percentage of the photo above being a real life thing is very slim because that man is the size of Big Pun. (side-note: his goatee will never connect to his sideburns because he’s holding her purse the way she would hold her purse.)

Oh, and you cosmetically-challenged chicks who always have group photos of you and your pretty girl friends as your default photos were forevermore the first catfish.

I’m out. Stay safe, be great.

-SG

P.S. A first-time meet with an online stranger should be set-up a lot like a ransom exchange: in a public place, with no sudden hand movements or authorities present (briefcase full of cash optional).

P.P.S. Watch out for catfish in the networking world, too. The photos below are an attempt by this weirdo Jonathan St James to get Austin to send him fitness modeling pictures. Report psychopaths like this as spam on sight. My goodness.