Tough Love: Social Network Parents

ToughLoveSocialNetworkParents

This is a special edition blog, featuring none other than my brother @the_awillis joining me in the soul killing. Not much introduction is needed for this issue.

Social network parents. We’ve seen them, you’ve seen them. Not one fuck is going to be given for the duration you, the reader, is on this page. If you feel this is about you, you’re already guilty. The public offenders are in session.

What’s up you old deadbeat fuck boy piece of shit social network dads? You like how we didn’t use any commas in that last sentence? No? Well, we don’t like when you pretend to be a father. If you tell Twitter goodnight more than your own children, we’re talking about you. Herb.

All men want to look like they have responsibilities… But man, to be out here extorting the adorableness of an innocent child for adoration without fulfilling the duties of your creation? What the hell is that? If you deadbeats can upload photos of your child that you seized from your ex-girlfriends Facebook page that you have insufficient contact with, we can twitpic puppies we find on Google searches to attract babes. We have a name for clowns like you TRON-dads. Virtual parents.

Nah, but fake fathers are out here treating their child like its a midterm or final exam. They come around for a few days every eight weeks or so, just enough to acquire a month’s worth of mobile uploads.

No tolerance is given to that “fake it when you make it” parenting bullshit, man. Where did you get your parenting lessons from?

When you’re still boasting “swag” and “YOLO”, clinging to an unsatisfying life filled with chasing smuts and you’re child is intelligent enough to realize that you aren’t in their life picture, are you going to be able to look yourself in the mirror and call yourself a man?

What’s YOLO? You Only Leave Once?

All we’re saying is: raise your fucking kids, son. If you care for your shoe collection more than your child, you are the problem.

Chances are, you deadbeat dads will end up with sons JUST like you. Think about that. The selfish actions you take every day to grasp what’s left of your diminishing glory days while sacrificing the irreplaceable moments of your child’s life is inexcusable and foolish. Chances are, if you walk out… he walks out. Deadbeat dads end up with daughters on WorldStar. Chances are, if you walk out, she searches her whole life for that lacking male influence that you should have provided. We tend to call those kinds of girls “hoes.”

Really though, what’s more righteous than helping your seed prosper? What could possibly be more rewarding than being there for the growth and maturation of your little man/girl?

And quit glorifying things that should be second nature. The most annoying shit is people who want excessive praise for something that is ordinary. Nobody hands out medals for changing diapers or rocking your baby to sleep, fam. You did what was presumed of you.

In other news:

Every time a pair of Jordans are bought, a single mother loses an hour of sleep.

Malcolm-Ex-boyfriends are avoiding child support by any means necessary.

Dudes post Facebook statuses longer than the phone calls to your kids. Why are there more Facebook checks than child support checks?

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Subliminal tweets are at an all time high. It’s becoming an epidemic. There are more subliminals in a single mother’s tweets than a Jay-Z album.

Somewhere right now, chicks are throwing glass and nails on driveways and designated spaces of side streets where their baby’s fathers’ imaginary cars would be.

But this isn’t just dedicated to the males. Females, you are guilty, too. We see you as well. You can boast all day about how you are mother of the year complete with your Lifetime-esque stories, but much like that “sexy” new top you just photographed yourself in, we see right through you… basking in fuckery.

“She looks like a mom, but only on twitter. Only on twitter…”

A lot of you single mothers cling to a few select single mothers that you feel are on the path to prosperity. Baby’s mommas are uniting and grouping up like this century’s woman’s rights movement. A lot of people might get mad about reading this and feel it is about them, but if you know you are doing what’s right, then you should have no worries. For those who are actually putting the work in and sacrificing for their little one, we salute you.

But, if your kid has had more “uncles” than actual uncles, you’re a hoe.

We’re out though. Be safe, stay great.

-SG and A-Willis

P.S. If you can’t distinguish the difference between to and too, you
shouldn’t be allowed to procreate.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

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