12 July, 2011
*In my best Diamond from Crime Mob voice*
Stiletto. Pumps. In. The club. Who would have thought I’d turn this into a blog?
Before I go any further, I’d like to tip my imaginary hat to all of you elegant ladies out there who make this talent appear to be so easy. So easy that some of your oafish comrades think they can also partake in this activity of pure grace and femininity.
To you broads who walk around in heels looking like you are doing choreography for Stomp The Yard, an immediate cease & desist order is in full effect.
Walking in heels is an art. Not everyone can be Picasso.
Let me tell you, it is perfectly fine for you clutzy ass, tuck & roll ankle having broads to go out in flats or some wedges. Please do us all a favor and leave the heels at home or in the department store. No dude is going to turn you down for not wearing heels unless he’s about that prostate stimulation life.
Furthermore, to you tall, top shelf in the grocery store reaching chicks… Why.even.bother? What man with ambition wants you out in these cracked boulevards of broken dreams in some baby stilts? My arms are not going above my shoulders when I give hugs. You 6’0″+ chicks need to donate those heels to the nearest junior pageantry and live at a reasonable height.
But back to you gauche, drink spilling, toe stepping ass broads…
I want you to forgo any heel wearing thoughts; not only because you look primitive doing so, but because I’m looking out for your personal wellness. Safety first. We don’t need you on injured reserve come fourth quarter time when we’re up by 30 and we have to keep the starters in because you’re out here with broken ankles like Iverson hit you with the stutter step on the sidewalk. Plus, the new Madden comes out in less than two months. We don’t want you laid up on ice packs bugging us when we’re trying to run play-action.
With every purchase, Christian Louboutin should offer ankle to pavement collision insurance. There’s nothing like a embarrassed red face to go with those red bottom heels when a girl’s ankle tries to plank on the cement.
I’m out though. I have to prepare my audition for a movie about the life story of Stone Hyman.
Stay out of trouble and quit letting off those damn fireworks already.
P.S. Any chick who wears heels to a bar on a weekday is looking for new penis.
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