Tough Love: Quit Loving the Crew

ToughLoveQuitLovingTheCrew

Press play on the YouTube link if you want to vibe out to the relevant, title-inspired instrumental as you read about the wrongdoings of the wretched.

Crew Love: (n) 1. When a group of friends, guys and girls, “date” amongst each other and pass each other around to other mates in the group.

via UrbanDictionary

Alright. First off.

HOW DO YOU DUMB, DIMWIT, DICK DEVOURING DAMSELS ALLOW FOR THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU TO BEGIN WITH?

HMM?

l

I’M GOING TO ASSUME THAT YOU HOES ARE SOMEWHAT MORALLY INTACT AND DIDN’T INTEND FOR THIS TO HAPPEN IN THE BEGINNING AND THAT YOU’RE JUST AN IDIOT BECAUSE IT HELPS ME SLEEP BETTER AT NIGHT.

The fuck is wrong with you? How’d you let the box get treated like it’s a vintage clothing article that’s changed hands through Goodwill several times? Clearly, being the laughing stock of a group of friends is good enough for you sluts, as long as you’re the center of attention, right?

I mean, you didn’t think it was anything more than a coincidence that after coitus commenced with one “crew member”, one of his friend’s starts chatting you up a little more? I don’t see how this comes as a surprise. You hoes get ran through to the 6th man and his friends on the bench before you fake realize what happened. Hoes are out here getting their box flanked, stretched out and spun around on tumble dry low. It’s filthy!

And it’s always the “I’m-recently-single-so-I’m-looking-for-what-I-had-in-30-men-at-once” type of broads that end up getting put on the Summer Jam screen, too.

You bitches need to spend all of your vacation and personal time off from work on Chillagin’s Island.

Quit confusing fake chivalry for respect. In almost all cases for you whack, “one time is fine with me” chicks, a guy’s going to say whatever it takes to get to Point A to Point B (for box) the quickest. The guys you mess with are way too influenced by culture and busy being what they think is cool to give a fuck about you. Plus you’re probably definitely a hoe, so…

Go ahead and act like you’re not a hoe; the box score says differently.

Inning | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Score
—————————————————–
Crew | 0 | 0 | 5 | 3 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 11
—————————————————–
Hoe | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Chlamydia
—————————————————–

I’m like 84% sure that weak minded chicks who hate their dads have a certain number of compliments you have to give before it’s Lights, iPhone Camera, Action. And if she’s never filed for FAFSA before, that number is below seven.

You’re a hoe if you’ve ever been with more than one gentleman sexually at once; no debating. And I hope someone tells your kids.

Go take a shower in a thunderstorm, you fucking filthy floozy.

Running trains is also suspect for dudes, by the way. Even more so if you have a driver’s license. I say that because by the time you acquire a driver’s license, you should be able to make rational, non-gay decisions like not being in the presence of another man’s erect penis while fornicating with a woman. But just like how men wear skinny jeans and sag them, I don’t expect all dudes to make rational and/or non-gay decisions.

Me, personally, I’ve never participated in train running, mainly because I was more focused on growing a beard and had to wear a uniform in grade school.

If you get ran by the crew and you’re a single mom, I can almost guarantee you never graduated Lamaze class.

Really though, if it’s just attention that you seek and not the entire army from the movie 300‘s penis that you crave, there are some less risky ways to achieve that. Shit, go to a car dealership and tell them you’re interested in a few models. Go apply for loan approvals. You’ll get more phone calls from strange men than you’ll know what to do with (pause).

The moral of the story is: quit being a fucking slut and don’t have sex with a dude and then have sex with his circle of friends. You’re going to make it super awkward once you start posting your future or current child’s photos on Facebook.

I swear I’m just out here trying to extinguish the flames of you hoes’ self-destruction.

But I’m out, man. You broads stress me out.

Be safe, stay great, and tell all your friends to read the blogs, dog.

-SG

P.S. For every twitter team she claims in her bio, an equal amount of trains have been ran on her.

28 August, 2012

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

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