CULTIVATED INFLUENCE

9 August, 2011

I need a dope sound as an intro for these blogs. Something equal to Lil Wayne’s lighter flick before he starts a verse… since there is no audio to this shit, we’re just going to have to use our imaginations.

*Sound of a large, open hand full of baby powder striking the cheek of an unexpected victim*

This blog is dedicated to the gentlemen (very heavy on the gentle) who digitally capture themselves laying on a case full of plucked goose feathers in an attempt to visually present current concerns and strife in their lives.

… … …

That’s really as nicely as I could have possibly worded such forlorn endeavors.

Without further ado, slander on a hundred thousand trillion against you Menudo-listening, coffee shop feeling sharer ass herbs (say it with the H for emphasis).

If you show me a man who wakes up and – without hesitation – snaps a picture of himself laying on a pillow with no care in the world about wiping the 8 hours of suspect dream glaze from his eyes, I will show you a man with tattoos of R&B lyrics on his lower back from songs that only made the iTunes bonus track-list.

Pillow pictures severely limit my ability to take a man seriously in a situation of potential fisticuffs. You can’t make ANY sort of “I’m tough” face at me in the streets if I’ve seen you in pictures letting a 2-Megapixel camera flash violently attack your retinas while the sun comes up. What’s that mean mug for? What are you going to do, bro? Snuggle me in a blanket? Tuck me in with the upper sheet? Cook me pancakes? Get the whole fuck out of here. Your faces in these pillow pics look like you just completed a jazzercise class while wearing uncomfortable spandex.

If you see a dude you know who takes lonely pillow pics drinking during nightlife activities, do him a favor and knock that drink out of his hand. His night is going to end with an overexertion of shameful sentiment that results in calling ex-girlfriends who are still on speed dial, all while Drake’s ‘Marvin’s Room’ instrumental quietly fills the background ambiance.

The hell is wrong with you sit-down-to-pee sensitive ass dudes? This is what you’re doing to showcase that you have emotions? Write a poem, bitch.

The only thing worse than being walked in on while taking a picture of yourself with your head comfortably resting on your favorite pillow is being walked in on while masturbating with the Lifetime Movie Channel on TV.

Lonely pillow pic taking dudes protect their tweets from their grandmothers and are all part of the lame ass #TeamFollowBack.
Men who are in Team Follow Back with a combination of a lonely pillow picture Twitter avatar are full blown, first ballot inductees into the Homosexual Hall of Fame.

First ballot, dog. There’ll be a nice bronze sculpture of you resting your noggin against a headboard chilling in Atlanta (home of the Homo HoF).

I’ve been doing extensive research to provide an example of a typical ‘lonely pillow picture’ along with a breakdown of what the typical structure of the image represents. I really went the extra mile with this one.

Here it goes.

That right there was a simulation of pixilated estrogen seeping through the flesh.

I’m out though. I have to go erase the photos I took to make that replica of pure loneliness before my favorite girl sees them and questions me about it. Stay good, be safe. Let’s let one another be great.

-SG

P.S. Ladies, if he has pillow picture defaults on his Facebook page, he will try on your panties and heels when you’re at work.

Follow me on Twitter @SpencerGlover

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.