CULTIVATED INFLUENCE

If you put up a “Good morning” selfie before you even sit down for that bowl of Frosted Flakes, this is about you.

You bathroom mirror mongrels are through.

I’ve been an advocate for the extermination of mirror pictures and what has come to being known as the “selfie,” the self-taken photograph for quite some time, and on this glorious day, with the assistance of my soul-killing compadre A-Willis, I plan on slicing up self-esteems like proposed budget cuts at election time.

There are currently over 27 Million “selfie” hash-tagged Instagram photos. Approximately 120 Million people voted in the last presidential race, to put this monstrosity into contrast.

By the way, who came up with the name “selfie?” A selfie sounds like it’s accompanied by a lonely night filled with private browser tabs of X-rated material or some heinous sex act. “Yeah, we caught him down by the river giving himself a selfie.” “Ah, sick bastard.”

This is to you ‘200 photos of yourself in a year on Instagram’ chicks. There’s no reason for that. You could imitate every face emoji the iPhone has to offer and still have 160 photos of redundant bullshit. If every time you open your camera app and settle with taking a “selfie,” this tells me a couple things. Assuming that you’re photographing the most interesting thing around, one, you’re a bit self-centered and two, you should go and be around more interesting things, because if YOU were actually as interesting as you thought, people would be taking photos OF you. “Get your ass out the mirror, you could MEET somebody!”

Guys and “selfies”:

Any dude who says “I’m just taking a selfie” has *accidentally* had their lips touch another man’s. They also put their hand on their hip when making a strong point and have cried to a Drake song. No man sounds straight saying they “took a selfie.” Looking at you, Puff.

https://twitter.com/iamdiddy/status/346792749883867138

“Mirror, mirror on the wall; seeing pictures with you makes me appalled.”

Dudes who take pictures in mirrors stick their tongues in jelly doughnuts before they eat them because they love the feeling. If you know what Instagram filter best accentuates your skin tone without having to scroll through them you have to be a glitter boy, especially if it’s the Valencia filter. I feel like dudes who take pictures in the mirror dance in front of it, like THIS.

I see dudes that take more “selfies” than photos with their kids. A bunch of vanity slaves invisibly attached to the bathroom vanity. What’s your life really about? Enlighten me.

And let’s not even get started on Picstitch photos. The corniest thing ever for a man to do, cornier than Affliction and Hulk Hogan, is to make a Picstitch of himself. By the time it takes you to finish assembling a Picstitch, you could have Photoshopped some friends into a photo of yourself.

I find it hard to believe that these flower power daisy dudes who take countless mirror photos possess the ability to bring a woman to climax, but as the saying goes, “no one knows a woman’s body like a woman does.” Men whose default pictures have settings in bathrooms have Chris Bosh jerseys starched and pressed, hanging up in their closet, next to a mesh t-shirt. You dudes with mirror picture defaulted photos aren’t even real people. You’re literally projections of light of a reflection. You’re like rainbows, and right next to that mirror where you take photos is a list of your cutest friends “in no particular order ;).”

If you like 4×8 bathrooms so much, you probably wouldn’t mind jail — the selfies there are a tad bit different there, though.

If you didn’t own a mirror, would there be no photographs of you or would you go try to make friends?

And for you “outfit of the day” people, grow up. You’re not a fashion blogger or a designer, you’re a person who wants to be seen by people who don’t see you. Somewhere, somebody who envies your wardrobe is plotting to bust through your apartment door like an episode of Room Raiders. Also, what happens when you upload an Instagram photo and your night ends extremely early and you waste an entire outfit? Do you delete the photo or leave it if it got a lot of likes?

Last but not least, let’s talk gym “selfies.” My my my, you’re a special bunch. There should be therapy sessions for you habitual gym selfie takers. Habitual. Say it out loud. You hear that “bitch” in there? That’s the bitch in you. People who check in to the gym with a photo like it’s FourSquare have an iTunes playlist called “Me Time.” Somebody is waiting for the weights while you’re trying to get a pose that shows your arms juuuuuust right. Guys taking pictures in the gym posing while the sweat on the bicep machine still dries…despicable.

If your workout plan looks like:

3×12 curls
3×8 dumbbell curls
TAKE A PIC
3×12 rows
4×8 extensions
TAKE A PIC
2×12 pull-ups
Open Instagram app
Upload

…You drink out of straws at bars.

We’re out though. Stimulate the economy and hire a photographer.

Stay safe, be great.

-SG, A-Willis

P.S. The ringleader of selfie filth, SnapChat is revered by me as the smuttiest app ever invented. The icon should look like this:

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