CULTIVATED INFLUENCE

20 June, 2012

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?

Tall women in heels is the definition of unnecessary. If you exceed 5’10” and are female, this is for you.

Rule of thumb, ladies: if your height starts with 6, don’t wear shoes with sticks. Breaking this rule results in me hoping that wherever you go, an endless game of limbo is underway.

This isn’t some scorned, short man insecurity rant, either. I’m like 6’2″ with my beard because it automatically adds a tad bit of height and handsomeness. So yeah.

When Drake said, “put those fucking heels on, it’s worth it girl. Let that mirror show you what you’re doing.” HE WASN’T TALKING TO YOU. HE WAS TALKING ABOUT GIRLS WHO DON’T HAVE TO STEP BACK TO SEE THEIR WHOLE BODY IN THE MIRROR.

Your version would go like: “take those fucking heels off, you crazy girl. Flats is what I can picture you in.”
“It’s time to shut it down, down, down. You’re still the tallest girl around, ’round, ’round.”

Something like that.

It is pretty comical watching a tall woman struggle run in heels, though. Kinda looks like Pau Gasol on a fast break.

I’m just saying, a tall chick in heels has agility comparable to that of a baby giraffe.

You know what? Nope, never mind. I really don’t want to get beat up by any of the girls I’m cool with that can stand up in the deep end of a pool and not drown, so let’s just disregard this whole thing, alright?

The rage of a tall woman is nothing at all to be messed with. “Okay, you’re a goon, but what’s a goon to a power forward?”

Please don’t be mad, tall girls. These are all just jokes. I don’t want you ladies that are higher up in the atmosphere than me swatting down my prayers before they reach heaven.

I’m just asking you to please chill with the mini stilts, okay?

Alright, I’m out. It’s Summer Solstice today (the longest day that the sun is out) which means, in theory, to me, the day with the least amount of struggle time for high heels.

Be safe, stay great.

-SG

P.S. If a photographer has to zoom out to include you in the photo with your friends, HEELS AREN’T FOR YOU.

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