Tough Love: Be Better at Instagram

ToughLoveBeBetterAtInstagram

Instagram: the social application that teeters between a harmless photo service and a platform for constant reassurance and acceptance among peers. Though it’s one of my favorite apps to ever grace my iPhone screen, it can become a cesspool to people’s insecurities… and these people annoy the motherfuck out of me.

Allow me to demonstrate – in word form – the most annoying thing on the great app of square pictures.

The sunset is so pretty! Sierra filter.

The sunset is so pretty! Valencia filter.

If you’re guilty of this, I know you spend hours in the mirror on weekends deciding which pair of shoes to wear with your outfit. I also want you to know that you SUCK at Instagram. This blog, to no surprise is full of things that annoy ya boy while I’m trying to scroll through lusty pictures of LA models before I fall asleep. So, with no further introduction…

First things first: Instagram challenges.

Usually these “challenges” consist of X amount of consecutive days posting images of the same theme. Now, I understand the backbreaking stress of selecting a filter for a photo EVERY DAY for a month straight. I get the grueling grind of cropping pixels. I know. I know nothing teaches perseverance like an Instagram challenge. You go, girl. I really can’t be too upset at these because generally, I only see attractive girls with dirty, captivating bathroom mirrors partaking in them, but assuming that not everyone who accepts such a daunting task as “She Knows 7 Day Summer Selfie Challenge” (see below) is easy on the eyes, it can go 0 too 100 in annoyance REAL quick.

7DaySelfie2

Clean your bathroom mirror. That’s an Instagram challenge. Spare us the picture, though.

Next.

Alright, I lied. THIS is the most annoying thing I see on this app… Do not put your Snapchat photos onto Instagram. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR NUT ASS LOW-RESOLUTION SNAPCHATS THAT I HAVE ALREADY RECEIVED, OPENED AND TRIED TO FORGET ABOUT ON INSTAGRAM, BREH. Single moms are NOTORIOUS for this, BIG time. Just get a Google Glass if you want to record your kid’s entire life, geez Louise. Like, I get it that you have a child – and take care of it – and it hasn’t perished from negligence or irresponsibility – and it looks happy – and here you are posting the proof of such… for the fifth time this week – wow look at how well-nourished it looks. I’m not saying there’s such a thing as over-documenting your child’s life (yes I am), but some chicks post so many pictures of their kids I think my iPhone has split custody. I just don’t want to see any kids greater-than or equal to the time that their father does. That’s the more somber part of this paragraph and speaks more to a father being a piece of shit than a mom being a terrible Instagrammer (though both are highly possible).

Hey, real quick, deadbeat dads, there is something to be said about these Instagram squares painting a telling tale of how you’re not around much to shape your child into a decent human. And hey, real quick, deadbeat dads, if you shouted your kid out on social media for their birthday – even though they can’t read or pick you out of a lineup – is that a sufficient consolation for poor attendance in your baby’s life? Nothing like throwing the X-Pro II filter on a rare photo of you and your kid together and feeling like the man, right? I digress. I digress.

Instagram needs to give young moms the option to take 360 degree pictures so we can get the gist in one take. You can damn near get carpel tunnel syndrome scrolling past a birthday party on there.

Hey and while I have your attention here… Do not screenshot any tweet of yours that you think is deep and put some filter on it that makes the white background look like it was in the sun for eight weeks before you uploaded it. We do not care. We do not.

I’m out, though. I’ll be busy being mad liberal with the double tap if your posts consist of the following: landscapes, architecture, hips, vibrant skies, girls in maxi dresses, girls with nice teeth, sporting events, people wearing Cultivated Influence gear or puppies. (Not people who wear puppies. That gets reported as inappropriate.)

Stay safe, be great,

-SG

P.S. Rappers and people who enjoy talking about how much money they make LOVE using those HDR filters that make them look like extras from The Walking Dead.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

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