(featuring A-Willis)
The absolute most repulsive of particles formed under God’s green earth – other than lethal viruses – is glitter. Glitter in every fashion is a display of fundamental failure in the facilitation of all things dapper and dashing. Body glitter, birthday card glitter, basically everything but New Year’s Eve confetti in Times Square rubs my moral fibers the wrong way. My my my, has this been overdue.
What is this crap you bops put on to feel pretty? You look like you peppered yourselves with the Tin Man’s dandruff.
Rihanna didn’t mean to literally shine bright like a diamond. You broads clearly don’t understand metaphors or how to not be annoying. You’re covered in glitter like a fucking dork; your body looks like it’s hosting a party sponsored by Ke$ha. The fuck are you doing wearing aluminum foil flakes? You couldn’t even be put in a microwave without a fortunate spontaneous combustion occurring like unattended Pop-Tarts still in the package.
If Jesus had a gun, he’d be alive today, cleansing sins and making sure no one ever wore glitter. Could you imagine if Thomas Jefferson sprinkled sparkly glitter on his Declaration of Independence signature? His head would have been on a stake on the back of the ten Dollar bill.
Every time I get a card with glitter on it, I think, “Yuck, it looks like a stripper picked this up before you did. Where’s a bottle of rubbing alcohol?” I feel the same way every time I hug a girl with that chest shimmer shit on. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WERE DRAWN ON WITH A FELT JELLY PEN. STOP IT.
Even digital glitter is awful. Glitter text over pictures on MySpace back in the day and even Facebook have been a helpful indicator that you’d be getting pregnant before finishing high school.
A pregnant woman with glitter on reminds me of those water-filled Christmas globes: ready to burst and always easily shook up. You glitter wearing chicks look like a Pinterest project.
Have you seen the movie Glitter with Mariah Carey? Remember how terrible it was? That’s what type of reviews you get wearing that bullshit.
Chicks leave the house looking like a Prince backup singer. Unless you were in The Revolution, you should never wear glitter in public.
Why do I loathe glitter so much? Anytime glitter is present, it ends up somewhere unintended…AND STAYS THERE FOR A MINI-ETERNITY. Plus, strippers wear glitter. Enough said. Wearing glitter and bedazzled accessories are quick-fast ways to get an iMessage read receipt from me with no reply.
After doing research for this, it turns out Gary Glitter is the artist behind one of my favorite songs played at football games.
Just look at this shimmery shit, man! Can you imagine what your paws would look like after holding that record? Like a 3rd grade Christmas ornament.
Oh, and bedazzled accessories have to go, too. Women going out looking like manila disco balls is absurd. There’s nothing wrong with buying your jewelry from Claire’s, but don’t step out looking like you bought your jewelry from Claire’s. There should be a faux pas amendment added to the Fashion Constitution: Don’t wear white after Labor Day; don’t wear bedazzled shit after everyday.
That’s it, we’re out. Stay safe, be great.
-SG & A-Willis
P.S. The number of days it takes to get glitter off of skin is correlated to the number of years it’ll take for a girl to find love.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
CULTIVATED INFLUENCE 
Wow, you kids today are really, incredibly, stupidly self-involved. This is not even tripe; at least cow intestines have some nutritional value.
Lol. Everything isn’t for everyone, Greg. Thank you for reading.
Exactly, I don’t understand what kids are thinking. Must be the media and what is portrayed as cool. The logic is gone to me. I must agree, even a tomato has some seeds.