Tough Love: S*** For The Birds

ToughLoveShitForTheBirds

Listen up right now dammit, before the rest of your fleeting hope goes stale and you have to feed it to the birds (ones with wings, not you). Maybe we will have a breakthrough and impact your suboptimal, single relationship status, someday, if you sit through this sermon and pay attention.

What is a bird you ask? An attention seeking bop that seeks attention in ways her father would be ashamed. Birds are girls with robust modeling “portfolios”, also known as two Facebook albums, with not even a whiff of a modeling agency in their phone contacts. They’re mostly shaped weird and no one understands them, like the Wingdings font. If you have more fathers to your children than speeding tickets, you’re a bird. A bird is a simple minded floozie, simply.

A group of birds are commonly referred to as “hoes” or Nohopus Atadomesticus, scientifically, due to their difficulty of being tamed. Although never small in population, sightings of birds have become much more prevalent in North America since the mid 2000’s, due to the creation of Facebook and Twitter, places birds find to be safe havens.

Fun fact: In group travel, birds, much like their winged cousins of the sky, move in V-formations, as depicted in the photo below.

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Being labeled as a bird is not exclusively for females, as some of the biggest birds I know are males. A dude always with his hand out looking for freebies is a telltale sign of birdism. That calamity of a subtopic can be saved for another day, though.

The thing about being a bird is, it is both a temporary and long-term problem. Migrate to another location and for the most part, the label disappears. A new place, new friends and none of them know what you did with that stranger at that New Year’s Eve party in 2007. That seems all good, but the mind, the mind is still plagued and eventually your birdlike ways are going to peck you in the ass.

There’s not a 12-step program, TV show or a government agency that can help you not be an uninteresting bop. Obama gives out cell phones for busted broads, but his calling plans don’t include any dudes willing to send you a “good morning” text, nor do those phones come packaged with boyfriends inside the box.

If every guy you were with flew the coop, it might be time to make some changes, right? I mean, you don’t want to spend your career balling on the #TeamSingle Hawks and end up with no rings. It has to be time to alter your patterns a bit.

Subsequently, too many women settle for being Mary Magdalene just because she’s in the story. You should strive for more than that. Strive for that fairy tale love stuff girls dream about that probably won’t happen for you, but who knows?

As for suggestions on how to not be an uninteresting bop? Brush up on your sports vocabulary, watch some classic films or DVR the History Channel… or SOMETHING. How about spending more time learning about the next election? You should already be acclimated with men lying to your face often, so I’m sure it’ll intrigue you to an extent. The trick is to broaden your interests and you’ll appear more interesting. That’s really a gem of productive social interaction. Like more things and you’ll like talking about more things.

Alright, I’m out.

Stay safe, be great.

-SG

P.S. A limited amount of “Tough Love” shirts are now available for purchase! @SpencerGlover for details.

12 December, 2012

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